http://localhost/ en-us Sun, 26 Sep 2010 4:01:19 GMT Sun, 26 Sep 2010 4:01:19 GMT http://localhost/blog/Ghosts-of-the-past.asp Here I am, walking around in a house that feels like some place Ive never been. Sure, nothings really changed, except the fact that I havent lived here for the last 27 days. I moved out 27 days ago, after the short-lived venture at my uncles. After that didnt work, I got down to business locating a place to live... I found a place in Derry. A small, hole in the wall sort of thing. Its a "studio", which isnt much more than a big room with a bathroom and a kitchen sink. Oh ya, theres a refridgerator too, though I dont think the freezer works. Cockroaches. Cant forget those. So for the past 27 days (did I mention that yet) Ive been making the best of a bad situation, as they say. I dont know that its been great - there are good days and bad ones. Mostly bad ones. You can only keep yourself so busy before the thing youre trying to avoid catches up with you. Im avoiding my hurt. Theres a lot of it. So where was I? Right, walking around in what may as well be a graveyard. No, at least that doesnt feel weird. You go to a graveyard and expect to see ghosts, or feel moments from the past reach up and touch your mind, heart and soul. You dont expect to feel that way when you walk into a house, your former home of ten years. I walk around this place, and while I know its still home to my children, I cant help but wonder what my wife thinks... or feels. Aside from the usually dust, cobwebs and dog hair (par for the course) everything is still in place. Photos from trips, of friends and each other - memories created over the last 10+ years. I say ten, but its actually more than that... at least, some of these photos are older than that. One photo sits collecting dust but still prominantly displayed - a trip to Aruba. Wed hardly been dating for more than 6 months when we decided to take that trip. Actually, I dont think it was even six month - maybe 4. My parents were furious, but it didnt matter. We were head over heels for each other back then. You could feel it when we walked into a room together. Other people would light up because you cant help but smile when you see two people who just work together... who just sit next to one another and glow. That was us. I can still feel the way the air hit me when we stepped off the plane. Id never been to a place like that. Cold, dry New England winter weather... and suddenly transported to a tropical paradise. My lips, I remember, chapped and beaten by the elements seemed to instantly soften and moist. I remember how strange it seemed, to get off this plane onto a tarmack... I guess thats not uncommon, but up to that point, my biggest out-of-country adventure had been Canada... and lets face it, Niagara Falls is pretty damn close to New York . I remember getting onto a bus that would take us to our final destination on the other side of the island. We were excited, and nervous - as I would discover my wife was much less worldly than I originally believed. The bus driver, a dark fellow with a big smile was helping stow away carry-on luggage into the bus overhead, and my then 23 year old beautiful girlfriend leaned over for something. He remarked with "hey while youre there!". We looked at him and each other and laughed and couldnt help but think we must be in the greatest place on earth. We made it to the hotel, the Divi Tamarin, just as the sun was getting ready to set. Wed check in, and followed the sound of music and sweet smell of rum to the dining area. It was paradise - the kind of paradise you see in those commercials but always figure theyve edited and filmed "just right" so youd never get that same experience. This however, held nothing back. We grabbed some frozen drinks and were seated, overlooking the water. The sun was beginning to set, and we were nothing less than completely taken with our surroundings and one another. A local photograher, who probably hit these tables every single night, stopped over to our table and asked if he could take our picture. He said something flattering to my girl, which I didnt see as a compliment as much as I believed it was factual - and we huddled together for a photo. He was gone in a moment, and said hed find us the next evening or so with our photo. The next few days were like nothing Id ever experienced, or would again (at least to date, anyway). Id never been so close to someone, experienced such a connection and lived so care-free in all my life. We did nothing exotic, nothing too adventureous other than stumbling down the beach to the local casino each night. We didnt need to. To say the time there was intimate would be an understatement. We shared moments Ive never shared with anyone else. We were real, right down to the core. We laughed, and enjoyed each others company. We cried, if you can believe it, expressing our feelings as true and raw as you possibly can to someone. Fears and wishes abound. We were both scared for what our future together might bring, but there was so much love there we were sure we were up to the task. She fell one night - totally up-ended walking back from the casino. Wed gotten tired of never being able to get a decent buzz from our frozen drinks, and had pounded them fast and hard earlier that evening. She still has that scar on her knee today. I think that was the same night we cried, confessed our love... we joked about that moment for years later. Looking back now, I think about the real moments weve shared... that was one of them Ill never forget. Here I am standing in in the living room, looking at this photograph taken so long ago, wondering what happened. I look at it, and remember so much, with so much detail. I look at those two people, and I can feel the love between them. I can see it in their eyes, and I know they havent a care in the world. The world could have ended that day, that very moment the photo was taken, and they would have been okay. Now I stand thinking, my world is ending. It is over, and I am very much not okay. http://localhost/blog/A-week-later.asp So after a couple of days at my uncles, we shared a couple of emails and genuinely missed having one another there. Unfortunately, the feeling was short-lived after I was home for a few nights. Its possible Im self-destructive, but I really dont think my feelings and reactions are all that unreasonable considering rhe circumstances. We were supposed to have breakfast the other day, and I just was really down. She said we should go for a walk instead, because she didnt want to go to breakfast with me feeling/being that way. The walk was some of the same, but also really quiet - not a lot said. After a lot of silence, we talked a little about actually moving out - doing the apartment thing. It seems we both agreed that was the thing to do. I was getting a lot of stuff together yesterday, unfortunately the apartment I had in mind she said was in a bad area - and I just got an email back from an agent of my first choice in Derry and its no longer available. Hes forwarding it along to someone who will hopefully have something comparable. Too bad, I thought it was perfect that Id be right next to a bar. Kind of a scary thought, actually! We talked last night, a bit. She said that she finally felt that she could get back to being herself and doing for herself when Colby went to school full time. It was a couple of years ago, within about 6 months time that a lot changed for her. I have always pushed her to be more, and do more for herself. She says she couldnt out of guilt but I always knew that it was important. I wish Id done more for myself. She says shes happier with her job, her weight, the kids and what she does - the only time she isnt happy is when shes with me. That hurts. I can remember, what seems like not that long ago, that when the world shit on her, I was here. I was here to support her, to love and comfort her and tell her nothing else mattered. Im certainly not in denial about the years that were bad for me. Sometime around 2006 I think I started to give up. I needed more, I had asked for more, and I just think that she wasnt able to get there, past her own guilt or whatever it was. So much is nobodys fault, really - or both our faults, for not being better at communicating and leaning on one another for what was important. I think thats what is so stupid about all of this to me. We had good intentions, we tried so hard, and here we are. Why are we here? I also am pretty miffed that of all the people in the world, she isnt happy with me. I mean, I understand that especially recently, its tough to deal with me because Im well, pretty upset about the entire situation and I cant openly express my love for her because she wont accept it - No, I cant just put on a smiley face. Everything she "is" now, I was and tried to keep in her when we started out - and she let go... so eventually I changed, and now suddenly she wants to be Miss Fun and Im a big wet towel. *sigh* http://localhost/blog/Here-I-sit.asp So it comes down to this. I am sitting on the upstairs computer, with my tooth brush and deoderant sitting on the table along with my keys, wallet and laptop. It was a rough night. I dont even know how it started, other than I was pretty upset that something so important like the fact that I wasnt going to be here, was "forgotten" and then was told "I thought we agreed it wasnt a good time and we should wait for the kids to go back to school". I really dont know if all of that was a BS story in an attempt to not have me go, or if it was real.... Neither reason feels good. It quickly turned to hostility and a negative tone. I felt like I was back 13 or so years ago, having an argument about how I had or hadnt been with a girl - a completely unfounded, unwarranted argument due to insecurity. The more I think about it, I think thats what it was. The first attempts were always the softer approach, and then when that didnt get anywhere, the hostility came out and the complete lack of reasoning and trying to flip the story around. I suppose it doesnt matter at this point. I have what I need to spend a few hours away from home, and an overnight at my uncles. It doesnt change the fact that Im sitting here, kind of disconnected, and wondering if this is real - or if this is the right thing to do. Every fiber in my being says to be here when she gets back... because my not being here is going to suck, for sure. I feel like what shes been asking for has been turned around into something I asked for, which I didnt, and now, when she gets home, shes going to sit and think "wow, he left me" and feelings of abandonment and distrust ensue. If I stay, its more of the same - its a no win. For anyone. I have a stop or two to make before I take the plunge. Maybe some sound advice, or at least some thoughts from a friend will help. http://localhost/blog/A-letter.asp Thanks for coming over yesterday, the kids had a blast! I totally had more than my fill of drink - my apologies! My kids are in rougher shape today than I am and have to start rec... Colby has tennis tomorrow morning, so I think we might have to pass unfortunately on a sleep over tonight and do it another time - its awesome of you to offer though! Im sorry my point ended up getting lost yesterday. Stupid beer. When I heard the "fun sucker" term it was like nails on a chalk board to me. Ive been called that myself. I happen to think its unfair, and the person who goes to work cant see or understand the things that go on... they think its all running kids to and from activities and trying to keep the house clean but theres something else that happens there that they just cant understand. Its very easy to be the parent who comes home and be the "fun" parent. One of the kickers for me, which I saw and have happen to me(and please, if Im coming across the wrong way or presumptuous or whatever I apologize!) was that whiledoing something fun, and participating in something you might not normally do, youre being told you dont do this and youre not fun. I dont usually go in the pool either - what usually happens is Kate drinks and has fun - I tend bar and take care of hosting. When you finally go into the pool and hang out and have fun (or whatever the activity is), you get the "he never does this.hes a fun sucker.he never wants to do this normally".... instead of just enjoying the moment, which I think would inevtitably encourarage more of it. I got a ton of that on our cruise. We were finally in a place where I didnt feel like I needed to be on my game- no kids, and there was no one I needed to "take care of" and could just enjoy myself... so I did. She felt like I wasnt genuine, or that it wasnt me. Frustrating.... Relationships would be so much easier if it werent for the other person. :) Sorry, Im going to have to start paying you since for some reason I talk to you like youre my professional therapist. I was actually considering setting up another doctors appointment and asking him for something to keep me on a level ground. Im usually somewhere between a relatively mediocre base to a tailspin where I inevitably write Kate an email or talk to her and "push her away". I always said Id never take the blue pill (The Matrix, sorry Im a geek but so are you, Team Edward) but I know theres no way I can keep going from okay to crash and burn every few days. All of a sudden shes changed gears about the whole moving out thing, and doesnt know why I "need to make such a rash decision so soon". There are glimmers of hope here and there, so I guess I figure if I can find a level ground to be on where Im not so devastated by the emotional/physical shut-out maybe shell have enough time to get past whatever is there - or figure out that she really doesnt want to be with me. I know regardless I cant go on like this indefinitely. Do I try an stick it out for the kids? I dont think that makes a helluva lot of sense, because I think people who divorce after the kids leave end up scarring them just as much - especially if youve given them a solid foundation for 20 years and they never saw it in the relationship and suddenly it ends. Its like everything they thought existed was a lie. Some kids say their parents should have separated years ago, and they knew it -so they are cool with it. I know my kids arent those kids. Recently I was at a wedding and was texting Kate when Id be home. I texted I love you, and she wrote back U2 - Colby was there with her and said "you guys love each other a lot, dont you?". Ive thought about maybe giving us another six months, which feeling like I do right now (the ups and downs) sounds like forever. Six months from now would be about two years since she checked out of this. Maybe its crazy to set a deadline, but how long do you go on? I dunno. What I do know is Ive rambled WAY too much for this time of the morning. You always have an out, of course - I know I send a lot your way so seriously, please say "Andy, I love ya, but I think you should talk to a professional" and Ill stop emailing you this and just email flirty emails instead. ;) In other news, youre car is very nice! That must be some fun tooling around town, even if you are a stick in the mud! ;) http://localhost/blog/Fathers-Day-2010.asp So I figured that Fathers Day shouldnt have to be any different from my birthday. We had a talk, after last nights rant on here. She asked over breakfast what I wanted. I said to finish the conversation we started 2 weeks ago. So we talked. To sum up, I think shes unable to pull the trigger. Its easier to live like this than make a big move like that - I think a lot of it has to do with what I wrote previously... regardless, I offered to make the move. So with just under $3k of debt left over my head, I am going to work furiously to get rid of it and prepare to move out. I have almost no feeling typing that at the moment - I think Im too far disconnected from what is going to happen. I have a lot swirling around in my head, so I cant really even put it all down. Its like a tornado. Perhaps more later, once I have time to digest it. Were headed to Canobie Lake as a family. How funny. http://localhost/blog/More-of-the-same---late-night-nothing-more.asp The title sums it up really. She was out late last night - later than usual. I was a little frustrated with the fact that I had mentioned at the beginning of the week, after shed told me she was going to be out Tuesday and Wednesday, and both nights, and she failed to mention she had been making some other plans to go out on Friday. I dont go out often but I had picked Friday after she got out of work to be the day Id put something together for myself. I decided not to go out and stayed in to work. She "offered" to have me go with her and her friends after I asked why I wasnt invited.Its amazing how much Im not wanted. So its been more of the same. Whats it been, two weeks on Tuesday since we had our eye-opening chat at the CBS bar. She had emailed me a few days before that, let me know how she felt, and then had said she felt it was necessary to move out - and it should be her... and were supposed to date and see where things go. I brought it up a little bit on Wednesday, since it had been a week since wed talked and told her I needed some kind of something. Naturally again she didnt want to talk, so I said Id leave her alone for a few days and wouldnt say anything. We had some friends over on Thursday night. Had some drinks, it was a good time. I caught her on the way out of the bathroom and asked her if there was a chance of making out. Naturally she said there wasnt, which in itself sucks for a number of reasons... but I pulled her close and told her I love her, and why cant she love me too? She was a little teary eyed and said she wasnt sure. I get it, but I dont get it. I dont understand how she can be so disconnected from everyone and everything... so little meaningful relationships. I refuse to believe any human being can actually live like that for long. I know I couldnt, which is why I ended up where I did. I dont really feel alive right now. It could be that Im tired, but in general I just dont feel like a person or like Im really doing anything but existing. I know Im desperate for love. Desperate for a connection... to be wanted and needed. I know its affecting me in a number of ways. Im trying like hell to deal with it and trying not to let it get the best of me. Trying to decide how long I give her to think before I ask for some kind of resolve. I mean from what I can see, she just continues about her business, as if nothing is wrong... shell say she has work and all of these other things that dont give her time to think... but we make time for whats important. I know that better than anyone. She said she was weighing the options because it might make sense for me to be the one who moves out. I really dont know how that would effect me. I feel like she would want to find a "nice place" for me to be and try and help furnish it. Ive had this train of thought a number of times. I dont want a nice place. I want the cheapest smallest thing there is. I need a mattress and thats about it. Its not as if I plan on having guests over to entertain. Come hang with me at my apartment and watch me sob. How exciting. I am still wondering if the money has something to do with it. Theres $2999.99 left on the balance at this point. She had said that it would "make a big difference" at one point but I dont know in what way. A difference in that now, without debt, Id be contributing to the house? Would it mean she could leave, or have me leave and not feel like theres a burdon on one of us (me)? Is it a symbol of the bad times and once its gone shell magically love me again? I really dont know. Part of me hopes thats the case (the last), but I think its silly to think that. Shes so fucking hell bent on showing me how much shes changed. Thats funny, because the more she says it the more I see the same. Shes still stubborn, she still reacts to things that happened years ago and sheseems unwilling to accept that I could have changed as well. Naturally if I had this conversation with her, it would be me saying that and her getting pissed and being done with the conversation. Sometimes I think she wants her cake and to eat it too. Shes not happy with me, but the life she leads is "too good" to give up. A built in nanny, cook, cleaner and all-purpose guy... She goes out whenever, wherever she wants. She does what she wants and I wont say anything. Thats a tough life to give up. I dont want her to stay for that reason. Thats how Ive felt a lot of what we have had has been about. She just seemed to not want me, but wanted me here. Thats something that makes me crazy... that she gets upset when I say I just wanna be with you. Shes upset because I "had her" and thats all she wanted, and I can recall on several ocassions that I stopped her on her way out and said hey, I dont feel like you want to be with me. You just dont seem to want me. She would insist that wasnt the case, and that would be the end of it. She admits to being at fault for half of things, and about how she reacted when the kids were little, but she doesnt seem to understand that I became who I did because of the way she was. She made me... I should have fought for it. I should have tried harder, been clearer or something... but I think she needed to give me more back. Its hard to say now, as so much is a blur. We remember a lot of what we want to remember. I do remember though, that we were good once. We havent had sex since the 13th of May, and I know that because before we had, I had mentioned that we hadnt had it since my birthday, the 12th before that time. May, like most of the last 12 months, doesnt really count. Sex without being there and commiting feelings to it is worse than no sex. The last time there was any tenderness was my birthday... and before that I cant remember. I think there would have been, that first day on the cruise... if wed managed to have that happen, maybe things would have been different. It seems like shortly after that time, she changed and locked up again. Im so tired of being locked out. I hate stupid pointless meaningless conversation as a rule, so when I have it with someone who is supposed to love me, unconditionally, and be there... it really sucks. That bullshit conversation you have with people you really dont know or want to talk to about the weather or a sports team that you really dont care about. I mean, we dont just talk about the weather, but the tone, the feeling and the atmosphere are the same. Total disconnect. Its like fucking nails on a chalk board to me. I have started to stop trying to make conversation because it just sucks too much to deal with that. Its like every word serves as a reminder that she has no interest in being with me. So here I am, trying to vent, trying to decide what I should do moving forward. Its killing me that theres no emotion, no physical contact, no nothing... but part of me wants to try and tough it out and pay off that credit card and see what happens. Its probably at least a month away before that happens. I am working hard, but not hard enough. This thought consumes me... obviously, Im writing instead of working. I try and distract myself and I procrastinate simply because Im putting off any real use of my brain. If Im not watching mind-numbing TV or trying to do something wasteful, Im thinking. My head wants to wait. My heart wants, almost needs an answer. Right now, I walk on egg shells. I imagine her off being happier when shes not here, and making sure everyone knows it. I feel like Im just here to do what it is I do until she avoids it/me long enough that it boils over again and she gets pissed, or I do. I know I cant do any more than Im doing. Ive given everything I can, and its just not fair that I should be sitting here, in limbo, hoping or waiting for her to make a decision about what she wants to do. I think what she wants is to keep living like this, and not have me say anything, and go about my business each day and be content with an emotionless, loveless, sexless wasteland. All of that said... the prospect of not being with her, or being with someone else, is horrific to me. I am not afraid of what kind of "life" I would or wouldnt have financially... It would be a MAJOR change, naturally, but Ive survived much more. Maybe Im trying to convince myself of that. Maybe Im all too comfortable too - but then, Ive looked at apartments - Id be willing to bet she hasnt. Ive come to grips with the reality of moving out. Maybe she hasnt. I dont know, I just know that Im going crazy. http://localhost/blog/Hurting.asp Hurting a lot the last few days. Ive managed to keep myself busy and occupied with other things for the last week or so... let her do her thing, do my thing and try and just enjoy what we do have - though it isnt much. Wed gone to the home depot to get materials last Tuesday and it didnt go great. She wasnt into having much of a good time... in fact nothing I say gets a smile or anything at this point.... its like she wants nothing to do with anything. I can remember feeling like that to some degree - actually Im more surprised I cant remember better. It sucks, and I cant begin to express how awful I feel that she had to go through that herself - being on the other end. I did tell her that I can see that the shoe is on the other foot now, for both of us, and I appreciate and I am sorry that she had to go through that, and that it sucks being on this side.Shes stubborn as hell though, and I am having a hard time imagining her coming around... once she gets a thought in her head, it stays there for a long time - even for a woman (no offense). The kicker for me is shes seen me "off" the last couple of days and will ask what is wrong. I cant believe thats even a question. Our day as a couple consists of me bringing her some coffee while shes in the shower, she comes down, we all eat breakfast and she finishes getting ready for work. Maybe theres a kiss, usually one of those types of kisses you give your grandmother so you dont get pricked by that stray lip-hair she has, and then I wave good-bye in the window.During the day Ive stopped calling her at work, and usually dont email, though I have a few times over the last couple of days just to try and put some non-emotional/relationship conversation out there. Ive found that she doesnt seem to want to talk to me, and when I hear that it makes me feel worse... so call it avoidance if you want, but it doesnt make a lot of sense to rub yourself with steak sauce and walk into a lions den.I regret emailing or calling every time I do it. I sent one yesterday about phones, since shes been eying a new one for a while... talked about the kids and that was about it. I mentioned my hand hurting, which she said I could let the doctor know about - to which I "went there" and said I wasnt looking forward to it... which ultimately lead to me indicating why and her dropping off the email conversation.Every time I see the doctor, (nice guy) he make conversation - asking about health-related stuff of course, the kids and eventually about my sex life. That of course is going to be a major sore point. What do I even say? I mean Im at the point where I dont hold back when someone asks - Its become hard to filter anything. I know Im desperate for some kind of human emotional contact (never mind physical contact)... All I can do is see myself saying "pretty much non-existent", to which Im sure hell ask why and if Ive managed to keep my composure what do I say in response? "Because my wife doesnt love me anymore"? How do you recover from that? Im sure hell ask about sitting down and talking to someone... to which shes already said that it wont help because its not a matter of saying anything - shes said everything she wants to say... its about how she feels, or in this case, doesnt feel. I mean even thinking about it my chest begins to hurt and emotion wells up to the point where Im choking on it. No, I cant say Im looking forward to that. Ive been reading all of this non-sense about divorce lately. The Gores getting divorced after 40 years and research saying people live longer, healthier lives now so its tough to expect two people to be together that long. Through everything thats still want I want though, and still want I think most people want. Theres something romantic and wonderful about being able to be with someone for your life and make it to the end... a sense of accomplishment. I suppose it doesnt mean a thing if youre hating on one another for a decade at a time.... but I guess I still feel like its possible to fix things. I feel like all of the work we should have done in the beginning weve had to do now - we never learned to talk, or be okay with sharing something that wasnt pleasant. I dont know... I do know that after that wedding Friday I was hurting physically (from the 25 pound camera I held for 8 hours) and the next morning was hoping for a kiss before she left. "How about a kiss in the morning?!" I had texted her the night before. I guess Im at the point where Im just hoping for SOME kind of display of affection, some notion that she still wants to be here. I feel like she makes a conscious decision to NOT show affection. I think she purposely stops herself and refuses to. I think I remember doing that as well... Part of me thinks that I deserve this - that I pretty much asked for this and now Im getting it. Part of me thinks that I made her suffer so its only right that I have to now. As crazy as it might sound, I hang onto that notion hoping that eventually shell make the decision I did - to come out of the darkness and re-kindle the love. We had started that at one point, but I think it was before all of the crap had broken down and we could start from scratch... I keep hoping. I wish I could help her through, if this is something that can be helped. I dont know how she lives every day being so emotionally disconnected from everything and everyone. I know shes been hurt, or maybe still feels hurt - angry is probably more like it. I see the anger in her eyes. Its not like mine was (not yet, anyway), where I felt like a boiling pot everyday that had water spilling over and exploding on contact with the burner... Hers is more of a subtle thing. She doesnt smile, she doesnt really care to be there and is pretty disconnected. Ill make a teasing comment, playful, and shell just be upset about it... thats gotten worse, which I saw last night when I joked about her having her toe waxed when my son asked why I had hair toes. She knew I was kidding but didnt seem to care. ...and yet she still asks me whats wrong. Why I seemed angry last night... and angry for me really is being quiet now, somewhat similar to what she is. I was just frustrated... hurting all day... having her drop off the conversation when it came to intimacy, and I barely said a thing about it. I realized something else last night as well. She came home, and normally I would have had dinner waiting for her... and Id been so consumed with trying to relax and purge these horrible feelings I was having Id totally forgotten to make her dinner. To most people that sounds like nothing more but in this case, I cant help but think it will have been interpreted as more. ...and to be honest, maybe it did mean more... I mean, I was so pre-occupied with how I felt, and I have had to detach myself emotionally to keep from being a blubbering mess all the time that I didnt think to do something for her. Ive had a harder time listening and being there myself... in her checked-out attitude Ive become more checked out. I have a wedding today. Ive started to detest them. Its very hard to get excited, or even motivated at this point for some event that so often inevitably leads to where I am. Some of these people are so consumed with this one day what chance do they even have? I felt as though she and I could weather any storm, and we didnt sweat the small stuff... we did everything we thought we were supposed to do and weve ended up here... so close to the line of becoming another statistic... That reminds me, another thing Ive yet to vent about... Something she said to me a week ago when wed brought my son to Boston for his birthday. We were sitting having dinner or lunch and a couple of drinks and she said "Dont worry, Ill take care of you and the kids". This bothered me for a number of reasons... first being we were having a nice day, I thought, and that just seemed like a weird thing to say. Second, what she said - I mean, that doesnt indicate to me that she is thinking about fixing things... or hoping that we can rekindle this relationship... it says just the opposite - dont worry, youll be okay. I think the part of it that really hurt the most was the way she said it. If shed said it harshly, angrily or in a heated conversation, I think it would have been cast aside as something she didnt mean, or something that was thrown out there in the heat of the moment. Instead, it was probably said more tenderly than anything shed said to me in weeks. I write this now and my eyes fill up and my chest begins to hurt. It was as if she was saying Im leaving when the time is right, but I will make sure you and the kids are financially cared for - because I know itll be tough. That fucking hurts. Bad. It got me thinking, on the way home that night - I have been working off some debt, a little over $4k left now, which shes been keeping a close eye on. I always thought (despite my reputation as a pessimist) that maybe once Id paid that off, and that sore point wasnt there anymore, she would be able to make piece and that we could start over. We could start without that debt, without that weight and a reminder of old times and how bad things had gotten... and it ocurred to me: maybe shes waiting for that so there will be no debt, and she can leave and not feel as though shed left, burdoning me with that. I thought about that the entire ride home... It hadnt been a thought or possibility to me until that moment, and I couldnt get rid of it the rest of the night, or even fall asleep within a reasonable time. I asked her, I think the next day - point blank question: "Are you leaving me?" She answered "I dont know". What kind of answer is that? How does one respond to that? What do I think? I dont know what or where she is at this point... This has pretty much been my last week... trying to deal with her having said that... Wondering what will happen in these next few months, or even weeks. Is she here because of guilt? Is she here just for the kids? Is she here because as much as shes checked out and unhappy, shes fearful of not having me, a rock and security blanket - someone who knows what she wants before she wants it? All I know is that I know nothing. For all of the thinking, reflection and time spent trying to figure things out... to make things better and any effort Ive made, I still know nothing. I feel helpless. I am fearful, scared and its beginning to effect my daily life again. My patience is shorter, my mind is less focused and my heart hurts every minute that Im not actively distracting my mind. http://localhost/blog/something-i-wrote-with-a-few-drinks.asp I love you. I hope.... Some people look all there lives for what we had without anything. They look and look and never find what we had. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone starts lie we did. Nbot everyone sticks aroudn to try and give it another chance. Theres a reason yourte still here. Theres a reason Im still here. Were here because we feel the saem thing. were here because we both know that. Im not the guy you married. I appreciate what we have. I know how much it takes. I know how precious each moent otis. I rsiedk it all -I said everything I could saym because I knew we could be so much more. Through good time and in bad. I know we can make it. Please, open your heart to me. I am here for you. I want to make the rest of our lives together mean more than we ever thought possible. I just need you to open your heart. open your mind. If theres anyone in this world you can beilieve in... anyone you can confind in... anyone you can give yourself to, itss me. I love you Katoe. I too, took for granted what we had, and assumed it would always be there. Love, and being in love, isnt just a new fun different thing - its something that needs nurtuging. Something that needs to be cared for. I think its the reason that even now, as youre disconnected, is the reason youre still here. I love you. its the reason I am still here. http://localhost/blog/Meeting-in-the-middle.asp Well last night we had a short but hopefully productive phone conversation. She was expressing her desire to have fewer of these conversations Ive been asking her to have... and I asked to have a little more on her end. We essentially agreed to try and meet in the middle somewhere. Fewer conversations, more affection/push in the right direction. I know she was putting her best foot forward last night, so I hope we can continue on that path. I feel good today, though Ill miss her since shell be away most of the day. Heres hoping! http://localhost/blog/It-sucks-right-now.asp Ive never been more unsure about anything as this right now. I dont know what the hell to do. The more I try the more she seems to push away... the less I try and the more space I give, the less she seems to care to come back. I mean, I feel like its an unwinnable battle now. I dont know if she is done and lacks the courage/strength to end it... doesnt want to be the bad guy maybe? Maybe she really just is tired of talking about it and just wants it to go away? Im so damn frustrated. I hate not being able to fix things and I have to fight the urge to lay down and try... I also know at this point that wouldnt even work... which isnt a bad thing. Maybe shes hoping I leave. Maybe when I thought about it the other day, and she thought I was leaving she was hoping I would. So many questions I would love to ask her but every time I even remotely go down that road she wants nothing to do with it. She wants nothing to do with me right now. She avoids having to be close or in contact with me and yet here we are. I mean I really dont understand what I can do - I know *I* cant do anything as far as the way she feels and getting her to talk or figure shit out or whatever... but for myself... I really dont know what to do for myself. I really really try hard to just relax and try and not get worked up but Christ Im only human... No sex for almost a month, and before that it had been a good 3 weeks or so... So sex once in 2 months... combined with the fact that theres no other intimacy there right now... no looks, no touches, no anything to indicate affection. It sucks and it hurts. http://localhost/blog/Why-bother.asp It was those words, "why bother" that helped land us in the place were in now, and yet here I am, once again finding myself say those same words. Frustrated, yes. Irritated, you betchya. I really dont know what to do at this point. On one hand, if I continue to keep after this, it gets interpreted as though Im crazy or just annoying- just give her some space... thats what she says she wants. On the other hand, time and time again she doesnt take the initiative or have any desire to make the effort (at least from my point of view) to change things and open up... and I know, Ive seen it again and again, it will become that she comes to me at some point down the road and says "we dont have that, dont you feel like were just friends?". No shit, we havent done anything to change that. Shes going to get some meds for her back and shoulder pain, which is undoubtably from the last few days (or longer) worth of stress. I blew up with her the other day and picked a fight (sort of) looking to get some kind of reaction. Some kind of reason to continue. Ive tried to be patient and understanding and sit back and take a more relaxed approach... relaxed for me anyway. Ive tried to offer her some space and keep my emotions in check. Ive put some emotional and physical olive branches out there to no avail but tried like hell to keep my chin up and not fret about it. After a while, I think its only natural that you end up feeling shitty again when youre in an emotional wasteland. Its really tough to be out there, and be hopeful and be trying to back off and at the same time needing some kind of love from that person. Im sure everything is magnified at this point simply because Im so desperate for it... that I interpret every brush off as an attack or rather an indication that there is simply NO desire there to express any kind of emotion or connection. Funny, as I type my shoulders are beginning to hurt. I was hoping this would be a bit more theraputic. I suppose it is because at least its dumping the stuff in my head into another place... one can go crazy after a while, sitting surrounded by ones own thoughts. So here I am once again, saying why bother. I was going to throw a couple of ideas out there at her. Maybe she should talk to this nurse or doctor or something... I mean, clearly theres a reason that shes well aware of thats making her tense. I happen to think its a combination of things, including the total lack of emotional and physical connection. I mean seriously, its something I think about daily, and even if shes checked out to some degree, she must long for that. Everyone wants and NEEDS that. To love and feel loved. Even when I was at my angriest, I know thats why I was. I was so angry but after a while even the anger couldnt supress the hurt and pain and need I had. I could hear a song and practically lost it to tears... struggled to hold it together with the anger and bury whatever it was that was trying to make its way up.